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This blog is actually a follow up to the last blog Kamala did “Am I Safe With You”...
Out of our own brokenness, filled with insecurities and worthlessness we can attempt to keep our spouse by trapping them. I don’t know that we set out to trap or hold anyone against their will, but love does not easily flow within the context of insecurities and worthlessness; therefore, the next best thing is to force someone to stay with you through manipulation. Manipulation is a sure way to make your spouse feel unsafe...
MY STORY
Kamala told you that there were times she did not feel safe to express who she was. While I did not set out to create that kind of environment my own self hate, insecurities and feelings of worthlessness made me cause her to feel like she always had to be mindful of how her words or deeds would affect me. I heard you... you just said, “but mindfulness is the basis of any good relationship...” true it is, but not mindfulness that deprIves you of being who you are, that’s called control.
Here is an example... Kamala is a hilarious person. She loves to laugh and joke and be sarcastic. She later explained to me that I’d laugh at a joke this moment and get mad the next. As a result she was afraid to joke with me because she did not want to hurt me. Afraid? That’s not being SAFE! My mind would have been preoccupied with something else, amd instead of stating that, I’d make her feel as though she was doing something wrong. Her apology would provide temporary feelings of self love which would wear off and I’d need the next high so I’d create another tense moment in which she would have to again do penance. Mind you, I was not aware that I was doing this until after almost 14 years of marriage Kamala would tell me that she felt trapped. As we talk I then realize that my own brokenness would cause me to create situations in which she was forced to express love.
Where Am I Now?
I LOVE ME!!! I am accepting that God loves me unconditionally and out of that love that He has for me, I am loving myself. Out of God’s love for me and my self-love, I’m learning to love Kamala. I am accepting her love without forcing her to be something she is not or making her feel guilty. Rather I am now making her feel SAFE to express who she is without fear of hurting me.
YOU
Create a safe loving environment for your spouse by LOVING YOURSELF. Believe the fact that God loves you unconditionally. Use His love to love yourself unconditionally. Love your spouse like you love yourself.